A Recovery Conversation In The Community
I feel honored to share this particular recovery story with you. Recovery often isn’t linear and isn’t tied to specific measurements or success or achievement. Sometimes recovery is just an ongoing commitment to positive change. This story highlights someone working through a crisis who is also a close friend of mine, which is referenced during the conversation. During the pandemic I moved to an entirely new town where I didn’t know anyone. I met Antonio while he was doing yard work for some of my neighbors. We became close friends quickly over shared life experiences, and his kindness and compassion made me feel at home in a new place.
How did you get here?
I dealt with addiction since I was maybe 12 or 13, I was smoking weed. As time went on for me I worked hard, I got everything I wanted, I never thought I had addiction, especially with weed, at that time in the 80s. Then the 90s came and other things came along with the weed. So I still saw myself going up but I had another part to my life. And then the vice becomes all I want and nothing else matters. It's been two or three times where I had a mental concept of it and I came back. What I mean by “came back” is I stayed absent from it for a little while. And did well, houses, cars, the nice things. There would be days that come about where I think I'm okay, I'm strong enough to do what I wanna do and still have these things. That's not the case.
So where I'm at now, I'm 54 years old and I'm homeless but there are a lot of other things added on to that. I had some deaths that stuck with me – my son, my sister, my father. Along with putting all my eggs in one basket, and trusting in people, giving them everything I got. I'm here now and I'm trying to figure out something. I got here by thinking I could do what I wanna do and have what I wanna have and use a substance that I can plainly see is not for me I guess.
I know we have talked in the past about different housing programs that you have looked into and they haven’t worked for different reasons but what kind of things keep you from being able to access those programs?
To be specific with you, the town only has one place for refuge for homeless people which is not enough for the city. The reason me personally, I'm not there now is because I had an altercation with a guy that was like me, but his influence was greater than mine and they told me I had to leave.
[Out of town] I have reached out but I didn’t have the credentials [birth certificate, ID, Social Security card, etc], meaning I didn't have certain things I needed to get the help. Once I get my mind on a level it should be on, I will get all the help I need from sources.
What do you do now that you find mentally fulfilling?
Fulfilling now? nothing to be honest with you because the things I trusted in are no good for me. I'm speaking of doing things for people in relationships for years, you know a certain degree of trust, I knew I aint gotta worry about this person going against me double crossing me, honestly I can't say that.
That's one of the things that disturbs me greatly. I'm strong enough to keep going, I just have to keep going. And at one time I was whining and crying, now I don't whine and cry, people are who they are and things are what they are.
Do you think it's hard to connect to new people especially in your situation?
Yeah, especially now.
I feel like that could be a big barrier to getting mentally well. You get caught up in bad times and end up homeless for a bit, you feel isolated but it’s also a situation where you struggle to connect and that becomes a barrier to get out of the situation. It’s just a vicious cycle. Do you think we are building trust, you and me?
Well, my spirit told me about you when I first saw you. Of course your beauty got me, but after I got a chance to get around you and talk to you you just took a piece of me, it's that simple.
Where do you want to be? What do you want?
Well, I want out of this situation and I know one way to do that is I must get me a job to start working again. My last job I worked for six years, I mean I don't mind working but not when my mind is the way it is now.
That's another terrible cycle. You start getting sick and can’t keep a job but unemployment only makes you feel worse and it just gets harder and harder to get well enough to work again. Do you think it’s easier out here in the country or would it be easier in a city?
Right now, here. In the city I definitely wouldn't know nobody but I might have more opportunities with the abilities that I have.
Yeah that’s the thing, it’s better in some ways and worse than others. Well that is all my questions, is there anything you would like to finish up with?
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about it.
Thank you for talking with me today and letting me share your words.